We were asked to write a short story, preferably satirical, having the words I, me, blowjob, grapes, random, power, loneliness, water, robot and blue for a thousand bucks.
Here’s a modified version of the story that won me the thousand:
Life owes me a nicely lubricated, affectionately slurped and softly choking blow job for all the shit its dished out that i generously received while quietly concealing my avalanching desperation. It’s now been precisely twenty two years, seventy one days, eight hours, six minutes and thirteen seconds since I was dumped as a three kilo lump of flesh and bone with a generous helping of hair at one end and a barely visible jut somewhere in the center ( the ‘jut’ is now significantly large and in some circles is considered a ‘talent’) to lead an existence completely devoid of any purpose whatsoever. In all these years I did little other than bloat to sixty six kilos. I now wallow in constant loneliness latching on to random fetishes for what seem to hardly be flickers(time wise) in the scheme of nature.
Enough is enough! I’m setting out to educate the world. I will show all these hopeless romantics that life isn’t all rosy and that the grapes are sour regardless of whether they’re in reach or not. I mean, how silly can people get?! Do they actually believe the bloody wild goose chase that life is, is going to mean anything to the infinitude of the universe? To the far away galaxies that probably have creatures that could blow our very existence away with a simple fart of theirs? Power, respect, fame – what crap!
I see this man here, sitting blissfully with a book; a smile on his face, a hope in his eyes gazing into the vast blue above. I sit next to him and over the next half hour give him more than a piece of my mind. The book is down, the gaze directed to the filthy slums below and the eyes welled up; he says ” All this while, all this bloody while, I’ve been nothing more than a robot programmed to drop this veil over my eyes. A veil of denial of my insignificance, a veil that was opaque to this fallacy called life. I am, it turns out, nothing better than an animal being trained to breed and multiply.” He took it harder than I expected but such is the undeniable power of the supreme truth. I left the man and started walking away satisfied on having enlightened at least one of the poor bastards. I hadn’t gone far when i got this call on my mobile, the call that turned me from a smiling savant into something a lot more sinister. The call was from my uncle’s lawyer. My uncle, apparently, hadn’t noticed this little pup that strayed onto the freeway until it was almost too late. He steered violently to his right and had just enough time to see his innards fly past his eyes before he got completely crushed by the oncoming eighteen wheeler. Three years ago he did, however, draft a will according to which he left his mansion (built fabulously – Mughal style) and his nine figure bank balance to his quiet, mature and intelligent nephew – me. A ten tonne clamp couldn’t have closed my mouth at this point in time as I slipped the mobile back into my waiting pocket. I turned around, excited, wanting to tell my new found friend the good news that life, while being unforgiving and almost meaningless, went according to an elaborate scheme and that everyone gets his deserved due like I just did!
My watch hardly ticked ten times after this when it happened. I heard a loud shriek, its intensity rising in a way only Doppler could have understood. It thudded to a stop somewhere near the slum. I turned a corner and saw my friend lying in pool of crimson, his book unstaunched, his right elbow bent at a grotesquely reflexive angle to partially conceal his mashed facial features. It took a minute for me to regain my lost bearings. An image flashed by of his eager face as I said to myself ” He couldn’t take ten minutes of enlightenment. He couldn’t have suffered half a century of this. I guess nature had no scheme for him.”
I shrugged and looked around while the crowds gathered. I badly needed a drink of water.